I never dreamt it'd be this way
I've lost any chance for me to say
To say that I miss you
Say that I love you
Will someone please tell me I'm okay

Wherever you go I will be waiting
Whenever you call I will be there
Whatever it takes I'll make your darkest days so bright
I'm in your heart tonight

 

Dearest Individual,

You said we couldn't be together, I lived with that. You said you found someone else, I understood. But every time I try to move on, you're right there, blocking my path. Maybe you don't want me to be as happy as you are. But I believe you're not as injurious as I give you credit for. So please, all I need is for you to tell me if what you feel for me is real, or if it's just a game. If it's real, then let's do this, we'll figure it out. Together. But if it's not, then just let me go.

I admit, I've lost. I've lost every single game I've played against you. You won, I surrendered. But you've held me prisoner for far too long now. Free me of your hold because even though I choose you, I know you cannot make me happy because you choose her. Now, you alone have the power to keep breaking me and you alone have the power to keep the empty hole in my chest from tearing apart.

 

Love,

Nan

Why can't I have what I so badly want?! Why do I have to want something which was not even mine to begin with?! Because of you! I was here and I am still here. I was sitting at this same exact spot staring into the bright lights of the night trying to soothe the pain and its no different now. This time its just me. My mind is churning out the emotions of the past, haunting me as you are. Weak as I am, I won't let the exterior waver in your presence.

What I have now is temporary. Its not perfect but its a distraction nevertheless. I do have the tendency to want to figure it out, but I'm taking it as it is. No fuss. But why does it always have to be so crowded?! Sigh.

Betsey Johnson or Steve Madden?
Steve Madden or Betsey Johnson?

Some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while

We're pulling apart
And coming together again and again
We're growing apart
But we pull it together, pull it together, together again

The dark cloud has started to hover above my head. The heart only beats like that for the horror shows I get forced into watching. It took forever for complete calm to overcome me. And here I am wishing for prolonged calm because of the tidal wave you cause in me time and time again. Its not joy or excitement but distress from the impending danger you pose. But I insist on winning this round!
 

The sudden rise in popularity is a complete shocker. I'm not complaining. "Timing is now!" (private joke)
I just want to know what the deal is. I refuse to be kept in the dark. Irony.




SCHOOL'S A MOTHERFUCKINGBIATCH!

When I say you take away
The most important parts of me with you
When I've had the greatest day
You add more gray, it's just your way
It's true

You can't be the one to kill the pain anymore
You let me in but then you slam my fingers in the door
I've had enough but I keep asking you to give me more

All I ask is that this time round, its different. It already is and all I want is for it to remain different. Because I'm running through the possibilities in my head and I see myself running around in a perfect circle, running away from my fears. The closer it gets, the closer you will be, and I feel the walls closing in, suffocating me.  Please let me be the big fat strong hulk that I am not!






No one's heard. No one's seen. No one remembers. Except me. I miss fun times with the mystery boy in the far far west. Giggles<3

I admit. I am scared. I have no idea what to expect or what to look forward to. Its a blind spot I see. I  don't know what I'll become, what I'll turn into. When it really comes down to making the choice, what if I succumb to everything I fight so hard to repel against?!

And so I consider the options, that are currently not even present. But if they were to appear, what would I choose? My mind churns out possibilities as I meet new faces in new places. The questions and thoughts they throw at me, simple yet quite a mindful. Week after week, I go through rounds of peculiar examinations, like I'm of an unknown species.

I don't see how the life I lead is of any interest to anyone on the outside. Patience and politeness have never been my greatest traits and recently my tolerance levels are being tested. And I have to suck it all in and stop myself from snapping. But maybe I shouldn't. Maybe it'd be best to let it out. The word would spread and I'd be infamously avoided like a plague. I am quite inevitably talented at keeping people away.

But nothing changes. Everyday is the boring old mundane. Nothing new, nothing exciting. I was in this same exact place two weeks ago and I'll probably be in this same exact place two weeks from now. My already monotonous life at a ripe old age of 21 only gets more impossibly monotonous by the day.
 

Thanks to school I've had a good four days away from work. But tomorrow the war begins again as I fight to stay on my feet all day and constantly explain a sure-press touch screen. I HATE it but it pays. It pays to be tortured. Now, I look forward to the day I'll be a tai-tai and actually work for leisure.

I'm tired of being independent. I'm tired of having to work for myself and provide for myself. I know that's the way its supposed to be, but maybe I started too young. I started too early. And now I'm tired. And now there is no one I can depend on.

PS. TY made me upset.


 

How I wish you could see the potential
The potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound but
In a language that you can't read
Just yet

You gotta spend some time, love
You gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

I thought about you today. Suddenly, out of nowhere, while lying on my bed, I had thoughts flooding in. Maybe I'm just tired, I get emotionally weak when I'm tired. And I wanted this to be a happy entry.

So I  work 6 days a week on my supposed term break. That gives me one day to stay in and recharge my batteries. But instead, I baked. Sometimes I feel like I'm a housewife in training by choice. 

I miss a certain tall and tan boy who turns red when he laughs and is made of nice-ness<3
 

I walked across, an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
Is this the place we used to love
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of

Oh simple thing, where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know
This could be the end of everything

There is real and there is fake. The original happens to be far more valuable. And I mean FAR MORE valuable. But are every single one of us worthy of its grace and beauty? Terms and conditions apply.

April brings me promised events from the past. Exams and assignments are just two old friends. All I want now is bright sunny weather, good hair days, some courage and for it to rain money. Oh and for someone to delete the procrastination programme off my list of functions.

You’re living and breathing within me
And only you can take me

I must say my love for happy addictive songs is ever lasting. And now I am totally falling in love with a certain type of music that I was never fond of to begin with. Now, while I 'm being all happy and gay in this new bubble, in the real world, missy me has two papers due on Friday and all I have is open tabs full of potential research. I HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO wake up motivated tomorrow! Just two more days, a day each for a paper (okay, that actually doesn't sound too good). But after Friday, I get to sleep as much as I want and watch as much videos as I want. And I can look forward to a new week filled with remembering my consonants and vowels, using my New York organiser and dance. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

PS. I am going to work super hard and earn enough money to save!
 

 

Eyes like flowers
I love the way you see, you see, you see
You're the best thing that's happened to me
Maybe I should fight harder for you
But I said I'd let you go when you wanted me to

I have no power
I see the way you run, you run, you run
As soon as we start to have fun
Maybe I would feel better alone
Or just feel something
My heart is turning to stone

I think technically I should like math. Math always has a definitive answer. Its an absolute, unmistakable answer. Its definite. Its final. Math could be my hero. People should speak math. Not English, not any other language that requires articulation of any sort. That would be perfectly boring and peaceful. Everyone wins. Nandha wins. And that's what matters.

Angel and I have a plan. We intend to get drunk and get emotional and cry and probably giggle and laugh out loud at the same time. Pretty much just use up all our energy merely trying to emote how we feel and be crazy and then pass out. Perfect.
 

It's not as if New York City
Burnt down to the ground
Once you drove away
It's not as if the sun won't shine
When clouds up above
Wash the blues away

This is probably not a problem at all. But, there's always a but. I don't even know why it matters. Its just so annoying though. I was all happy and excited for nothing. Putting together a couple of words to form chirpy and nice is definitely not a no-brainer. Not for me at least. Clearly, effort unnoticed! Okay, no, in my defence, I'm not being difficult. I am just upset, a little upset, that my chirpy, nice message did not receive what it deserved.

FBLKCWNLUOFGELFWILFK! Whores! All whores! All of their many many wives and growing empires! Oh and my studying efforts for my paper to come! Sighs.

Edit: If you really have to know, no, you know, really, just because.
 

I'm in a shattered state
And my heart keeps breaking
I'm an island sinking
Slow and frail inside

I've tried to make this work
  A thousand times
So don't walk away from me

I intend to complete seven four weeks of exercises over this weekend which is actually impossible with my flair for procrastination. Two more weeks of lecture followed by my final paper and I'll be done with this casually productive semester. I should be prepared for some hard core units next semester. And probably new classmates as well. Oh the lack of fraternizing skills!

I want my own house. I want my own kitchen and my own refrigerator. And I wanna stock it up with all things sweet and spicy. I want all my many bottles of sprinkles and my Fiesta Head Chefs. I wanna bake sugar cookies. Bakerella's highly inspirational.





 

The seven things I hate about you
You're vain, your games
You're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy

Your hand in mine
When we're intertwined
Everything's alright
I wanna be with the one I know
And the seventh thing, I hate the most that you do
You make me love you
 

 

So time will go
And we may be far apart I know
But as far as I can see
This is so good
There's no need for change
It's all right with me
It's as simple as it should be

My speakers have failed me. I have my trial BTT in two days which I haven't done shit about. I suddenly have lecture tomorrow when I was actually supposed to be on a study break. I have a mid-term paper on a Saturday afternoon. And I think I'm gonna collapse because of work and and my impromptu life. Gahhhhhh!
 

Stole my heart from the very start
And left me with this malady I cannot recover from

Though I wont be able to say a word or expect anything
From time to time, I’ll see you smile and feel your touch

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY SHARON TAN!

That was a quick year. I feel like Sharon just turned 19 not too long ago. We grow up fast. I still remember Zisky and I hunting down for a place for many many people, Donny falling asleep on the table, a very drunk Heng Chuan, and you-know-who's very hot hands haha. And met that one whore who torments my life.

Thanks for calling<3 Urgh. Weak.

Moods that take me
And erase me
And I'm painted black

Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react

And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

BlackBerry is the new love of my life. I connect to everything I love in life, with BlackBerry.

But no, I will never forget my all time love, MONEY. Its been obedient recently, acting at my will. I just need to learn the art of saving. I have got a never ending/growing priority list as I age. There's my driving license, the holidays, the 21st, Perth, a nose job, Korea/Japan, an apartment, the perfect job and the list goes on. And time's not my side. An ageing girl cannot cope with that many resposibilities. Help wanted.

I'm over it. Finally! That took me a month haha. Its all good. I am already laughing at myself. I'm pretty awesome.

Goodbye.
X